This is step #3 in the 6 Steps To Go From An Angry To Happy And Confident Mom blog series. You can find the rest of the series here.
Unfortunately, being a mom isn’t always as dreamy and joyous as you thought it was going to be. You might find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, and unhappy much more than you anticipated.
You are not alone! I created this blog series because I’ve heard so many moms talk about their desires to enjoy motherhood more instead of feeling constantly guilty and worried over how they are parenting.
Do you wish you yelled less and didn’t feel so frustrated and angry all the time as a mom? Then this blog series was created for you.
In case you missed it, you can find step’s #1 and #2 below:
Start at the beginning so that you get the full benefit of this series.
In Steps #1 and #2 we discussed the rule books you have for yourelf as a mom, and for your kids. You decided what rules and expectations you truly wanted to keep, and which ones you were ready to let go of because they were causing you frustration.
Life Is 50/50
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned while doing this work is the 50/50 concept. I want to give credit to Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School for this because it really is such a helpful concept.
This is what it means – fifty percent of life is made up of good, and fifty percent of life is made up of bad.
Fifty percent of the time you feel positive emotions and fifty percent of the time you feel negative emotions. This is just the reality of life. You probably have experienced the 50/50 within any given day – especially if you have young kids.
If you push against the 50/50 and believe that we should be happy 100% of the time and our kids should always behave the way we want them to – we cause ourselves frustration, anger, sadness and a lot of anxiety.
I’m sure you worry about the future for your children. I used to go to bed at night consumed with thoughts about what my childs future may look like. Especially when it came to certain things I thought they needed to fix.
For example, I used to tell myself that if my child didn’t get his anger under control “x,y,z” would happen and he would end up in jail, or worse…and I don’t think I could live through that if it happened. These are great thoughts to have right before bed, right?
My brain would run away with HORRIBLE scenarios of what could happen to my kids. And guess what? Worrying about all this has no affect on whether or not it may happen in the future. The reality is those things just might happen, and all those things may NEVER happen.
Life is messy sometimes. And life is absolutely wonderful sometimes. This is the truth.
Create A Realistic Version Of How You Want To Show Up As A Mom
As you are working through this step, it’s so important that you keep the word “realistic” in mind.
One of the biggest lies you may have fallen prey to is life should always be good and you should always be happy, and everything should be fair…you get it.
Do you constantly have thoughts that you should be happy all the time as a mom? Or that you should always feel love and kindness toward your kids?
You’ve been on this planet long enough to know we live in a world where bad things happen. Bad and horrible things happen – even to kids. People get sick. Natural disasters occur. You feel angry, sad, frustrated, and depressed.
However, you’ve also experienced wonderful things, and felt happy and full of joy at times.
Ok, let’s go back to creating your realistic vision.
It’s important to remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Your vision is not dependent on your kids changing.
Take out your journal or notebook and answer the questions below keeping the 50/50 concept in mind.
How do you want to show up for your kids when life is a mess and chaotic?
How do you want to show up for your kids in beautiful moments?
How do you want to show up when your kids come to you with something exciting to share?
How do you want to show up for your kids when you are exhausted and feel like you have no more to give?
How do you want to behave when you choose to discipline your kids?
How do you want to show up when you are feeling angry?
How do you want to show up when your child doesn’t listen to you the first time?
If it’s 20 years from now and your kids wrote you the most beautiful card, what would you like it to say?
What values do you want to live by as a mom?
What clothes do you want to wear?
How do you want to treat yourself when your kids are mad at you and think you are in the wrong?
How would you like your kids friends to talk about you?
Don’t Use This Vision To Shame Yourself
You are not creating this vision to use against yourself.
You aren’t going to write all this down, and then look at it as one more way you aren’t living up to who you want to be. Nope! You are going to write out a realistic vision that feels like you and who you want to be as a mom.
As you write out your answers, remember that there is no right or wrong vision for yourself. You have let your “holier than thou” rule book for yourself go, so now is the time to delve into who you truly want to be without all those rigid expectations you put on yourself.
Here’s an example from my journal:
The question is, “how do I want to show up when my kids aren’t listening?”
First, I can remember that this is all part of the 50/50 in life. My kids aren’t listening and that’s what kids do sometimes. Then I can repeat myself calmly or lay down a consequence if that needs to happen.
My vision is that I’m going to show up and accept what’s happening instead of telling myself they should be listening when the reality is they aren’t. Then I’m going to move forward and let them behave as kids while staying in control of how I am reacting.
This work may seem like it takes a lot of time, but I promise you, spending 10-20 minutes a day journaling (use this to help you) with these questions can completely transform how you feel as a mother, while strengthening your relationship with your kids.
Stay Tuned For Step #4…
A lot of your frustration comes from behaving in a way that is different from your realistic vision for yourself. Next week we will discuss how to be more intentional with your reactions so that you feel in line and more at peace with who you want to be as a mother.
And if you haven’t done it already, make sure to grab the free downloadable “6 Steps To Go From An Angry To Happy And Confident Mom”.